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The Murderous Jokes Page!

A lottery is a tax on people who are bad at maths

SURVEYS!
A new government 10 year survey cost $3,000,000,000 and revealed that 3/4 of the people in America make up 75% of the population.

According to recent surveys, 51% of the people are in the majority.

Of the people that answered, 100% said that they were prepared to participate in a survey.

If the temperature is zero degrees today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

How does a pure mathematician pick his nose?
He works it out with a pencil.

There are 10 types of people in the world:
those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Why does a set of dominoes always have too many?
Because there's always a double one.


Why did 5 eat 6?

Because 7, 8, 9


Why doesn't a Frenchman ever eat two eggs?
Because one is "un oeuf"

Veronica Gumfloss has been selling kisses at her school fete.
Teacher: How much money did you make Veronica?
Veronica: £20.01
Teacher: Which mean person only gave you one penny?
Veronica: All of them!

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician have a length of fencing material, and they are competing to see who can enclose the biggest field.

First the engineer makes a neat square fence.

"Rubbish!" says the physicist who then makes a circular enclosure. "The maximum area for a fixed perimeter is a circle."

But then to their amazement the mathematician says: "That's still not the biggest possible field." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:

"I define myself to be on the outside."



Jessie B.C. from Canada told us this:

A Mathematician, an Engineer and a Scientist are on a train when they pass a black sheep on a hill.
The Scientist says, "Look, the sheep here are black!"
The Engineer responds with,"Correction: At least one sheep here is black."
The Mathemetician says, "Correction: There is at least one sheep here one side of which is black."


Hu Yi Jie from Singapore sent us this great joke about the "Meanies" from THE MEAN AND VULGAR BITS:

What happened to the Meanie who put his head in the oven and his feet in the fridge?

On average he felt fine!

How many sorts of pure mathematician are there?
Three. The ones that can count and the ones that can't.

What's the difference between a camera and a sock?
The camera takes photos, the sock takes five toes.

Why was Urgum the Axeman scared of the graph?
Because the graph had TWO axes.

Porky Boccelli was lying on the beach.
The deck chair attendant came up and said
"Would you mind moving? The tide's
waiting to come in."

CELINE'S CROWDED GRAVE answer:
the grave has a grandfather, his daughter and her son.

Do you know how a mathematician manages to imagine a TWELVE DIMENSIONAL Space?
First he imagines an n dimensional space then he lets n =12. Easy!

Go THIS way Go THAT way