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The Murderous Jokes Page!

A farmer has 38 sheep which he gets his collie dog to collect into a pen. When they are all inside he counts them.
"Hey! There's 40 sheep here," he tells the collie.
"I know," says the collie. "I rounded them up."

Why did 5 eat 6?

Because 7, 8, 9


A new government 10 year survey cost $3,000,000,000 and revealed that 3/4 of the people in America make up 75% of the population.

According to recent surveys, 51% of the people are in the majority.

Of the people that answered, 100% said that they were prepared to participate in a survey.

I've got a SCARY joke about the number FOUR...

... but I'm 22 to say it.

This clip appeared in the SUN newspaper!

What shape is a KISS?

It's elliptical!

( You have to say it out loud ...
...a lip tickle!)

Thanks to
of Oxford University
for this top gag!

An old maths joke:
There are 10 types of people... those who understand binary and those who don't!

The new version:
There are 10 types of people... those who understand binary and those who don't AND those who didn't expect this joke to be in base 3!

NAOMI KRAUSHAR got this joke from her grandfather who is a pure mathematician!

God told all the animals to go away and multiply, but two snakes stayed behind.
"Why don't you go and multiply?" He asked them.
"Because we're adders," they replied.
So God cut down some trees and made for them log tables.

Never fall for a tennis player...

...because LOVE to them means NOTHING!

Why does a set of dominoes always have too many?

Because there's always a double one.

Veronica Gumfloss has been selling kisses at her school fete.
Teacher: How much money did you make Veronica?
Veronica: 20.01
Teacher: Which mean person only gave you one penny?
Veronica: All of them!

An infinite numbers of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first says "I'll have a pint."
The second says "I'll have a half"
The third says "I'll have a quarter" ...and so on.

The barman serves exactly two pints and says
"You guys know your limits".

Why was the maths teacher late for school?

He got on the rhombus.

I'm terrified of the vertical axis.



An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician have a length of fencing material, and they are competing to see who can enclose the biggest field.

First the engineer makes a neat square fence.

"Rubbish!" says the physicist who then makes a circular enclosure. "The maximum area for a fixed perimeter is a circle."

But then to their amazement the mathematician says: "That's still not the biggest possible field." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:

"I define myself to be on the outside."

See the MM author when he was thin and had some hair.

Why doesn't a Frenchman ever eat two eggs?

Because one is "un oeuf"

Jessie from B.C. Canada told us this:

A Mathematician, an Engineer and a Scientist are on a train when they pass a black sheep on a hill.
The Scientist says, "Look, the sheep here are black!"
The Engineer responds with,"Correction: At least one sheep here is black."
The Mathemetician says, "Correction: There is at least one sheep here one side of which is black."

How many sorts of pure mathematician are there?

Three. The ones that can count and the ones that can't.

What's the difference between a camera and a sock?

The camera takes photos, the sock takes five toes.

Did you hear about the mathematician scared of negative numbers?

He'd stop at nothing to avoid them.

How does a mathematician drive round a farm?

On a protractor.

I hear about inverse proportion,
I like it.

I argued with an angle of 90º.

Turns out it was right.

What book would you hide in if you're scared?

A maths book ... because there's safety in numbers!

Why was Urgum the Axeman scared of the graph?

Because the graph had TWO axes.

How does a pure mathematician pick his nose?

He works it out with a pencil.

Do you know how a mathematician manages to imagine a TWELVE DIMENSIONAL Space?
First he imagines an n dimensional space then he lets n =12. Easy!

Three logic experts go into a bar. The barman says "would you all like a drink?"

"I don't know," replies the first.

"I don't know," replies the second.

"YES we would!" replies the third.

Thanks to Michael Jones for this super-intelligent gag!

Hu Yi Jie from Singapore sent us this great joke about the "Meanies" from THE MEAN AND VULGAR BITS:

What happened to the Meanie who put his head in the oven and his feet in the fridge?

On average he felt fine!

Go THIS way Go THAT way

If the temperature is zero degrees today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?


A lottery is a tax
on people who are
bad at maths.

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